I listened to a pod cast recently that basically read my inner most secrets and gently displayed them on a table for me to sift through like a junk drawer I was cleaning out. I felt as though the thoughts and feelings I had towards this particular issue were not really issues at all. I knew everyone has these feelings from time to time so it's just human nature and that's that. Wrong.
I have multiple people in my life who have accomplished much or in my eyes have done great and big things. When I would talk to them whether by phone, face to face or social media I exuded with celebration. I told them how I was so proud, how I was cheering them on, or how awesome that was for them and their journey. If it was social media I liked or even loved a post. Then yesterday in the midst of my beautiful mess, my dialog with the Lord went like this:
God: "Do you really feel that way?"
Me: "What do you mean, why yes I celebrate them, of course I have on my happy pants and am cheering for them."
God: "Cortney, Are you really?"
Me: No words....
Me: "No, I really don't feel that way, not totally."
See deep down there was this inner battle going on between the words that were coming out of my mouth and my heart. I wanted to celebrate accomplishments, books, babies, homes, promotions and whatever else they had going on exciting in their life. As those words left my lips my heart knew they were hardly the real truth. My mouth would say, "I'm so happy for you!" But inside I was yelling, "Why not me?" Or, "I'm so proud you are speaking here, or writing this, or your ministry is blowing up!" But really I'm thinking, "Why does she get to have that and I don't, when is it my turn?" I would then become inwardly jealous, envious or angry. I would begin to compare their journey to mine. At times feeling as though that day of celebration will never come for me.
I have felt I would almost get there and then hit my brick wall, never realizing I was standing in my own way. I think comparison is obviously something we struggle with but actually never talk about. Instead, we walk around thinking, "I wish my house looked like that, my kids acted like theirs, my marriage seemed as happy as theirs does, I dressed like her, I was as intelligent as they are, I was as outgoing as them, I could be that strong or opinionated, and so on." I have felt every single one of those thoughts and have thought this is normal. When in reality, that's not the intentions of the Lord. He has called us all independently on our very own journey. If we walk it out the way the Father intends for us to then we all have the same ending goal... Leading back to Him and making His name great instead of our own.
Even typing this now it seems so childish that we think this way. But in His revelation He said, "Cortney, so many are stuck in this same way of thinking," So as I unpacked this mess I confessed and repented of feeling this way and thought, that's it, I'm all good now. Then He quickly stopped me and said, "No ma'am you are not. Now I want you to call these people and confess and ask for their forgiveness for not celebrating them and truly cheering them on." I'm sorry Lord, come again? Yes, that is right. I called each person on my mental list I knew throughout time I have not truly celebrated. I then confessed I was envious of their journey and in the end of each conversation I was able to truly celebrate them and their accomplishments with nothing holding back. That is what genuine celebration feels like.
I am by no means saying this is what the Lord will ask of you. What I am saying is when we are willing to acknowledge, confess it, and bring it into the light, whatever IT is will break off. I believe for myself and many of you there is something keeping us from moving past that brick wall. So I challenge you to face it, acknowledge it, confess it, do whatever you need to do to move past it. No matter how painful, or silly it may sound or feel coming out, nothing is worth keeping you from celebrating, or cheering on those around you and moving that much further along in your own journey.
Whether for yourself or for someone else I pray you allow the Lord to lead you in whatever step you need to take to be able to get to a place of GENUINE CELEBRATION.
I have multiple people in my life who have accomplished much or in my eyes have done great and big things. When I would talk to them whether by phone, face to face or social media I exuded with celebration. I told them how I was so proud, how I was cheering them on, or how awesome that was for them and their journey. If it was social media I liked or even loved a post. Then yesterday in the midst of my beautiful mess, my dialog with the Lord went like this:
God: "Do you really feel that way?"
Me: "What do you mean, why yes I celebrate them, of course I have on my happy pants and am cheering for them."
God: "Cortney, Are you really?"
Me: No words....
Me: "No, I really don't feel that way, not totally."
See deep down there was this inner battle going on between the words that were coming out of my mouth and my heart. I wanted to celebrate accomplishments, books, babies, homes, promotions and whatever else they had going on exciting in their life. As those words left my lips my heart knew they were hardly the real truth. My mouth would say, "I'm so happy for you!" But inside I was yelling, "Why not me?" Or, "I'm so proud you are speaking here, or writing this, or your ministry is blowing up!" But really I'm thinking, "Why does she get to have that and I don't, when is it my turn?" I would then become inwardly jealous, envious or angry. I would begin to compare their journey to mine. At times feeling as though that day of celebration will never come for me.
I have felt I would almost get there and then hit my brick wall, never realizing I was standing in my own way. I think comparison is obviously something we struggle with but actually never talk about. Instead, we walk around thinking, "I wish my house looked like that, my kids acted like theirs, my marriage seemed as happy as theirs does, I dressed like her, I was as intelligent as they are, I was as outgoing as them, I could be that strong or opinionated, and so on." I have felt every single one of those thoughts and have thought this is normal. When in reality, that's not the intentions of the Lord. He has called us all independently on our very own journey. If we walk it out the way the Father intends for us to then we all have the same ending goal... Leading back to Him and making His name great instead of our own.
Even typing this now it seems so childish that we think this way. But in His revelation He said, "Cortney, so many are stuck in this same way of thinking," So as I unpacked this mess I confessed and repented of feeling this way and thought, that's it, I'm all good now. Then He quickly stopped me and said, "No ma'am you are not. Now I want you to call these people and confess and ask for their forgiveness for not celebrating them and truly cheering them on." I'm sorry Lord, come again? Yes, that is right. I called each person on my mental list I knew throughout time I have not truly celebrated. I then confessed I was envious of their journey and in the end of each conversation I was able to truly celebrate them and their accomplishments with nothing holding back. That is what genuine celebration feels like.
I am by no means saying this is what the Lord will ask of you. What I am saying is when we are willing to acknowledge, confess it, and bring it into the light, whatever IT is will break off. I believe for myself and many of you there is something keeping us from moving past that brick wall. So I challenge you to face it, acknowledge it, confess it, do whatever you need to do to move past it. No matter how painful, or silly it may sound or feel coming out, nothing is worth keeping you from celebrating, or cheering on those around you and moving that much further along in your own journey.
Whether for yourself or for someone else I pray you allow the Lord to lead you in whatever step you need to take to be able to get to a place of GENUINE CELEBRATION.
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