Embrace the REAL U

Growing up I remember watching all kinds of movies.  Some of my very favorites were Pretty in Pink, Footloose and Dirty Dancing.  I LOVED movies and still do.  I remember picking my favorite character and envisioning myself as her.  I wanted to look like her, dress like her, talk like her... I wanted to act exactly like she did.  I think most of us little girls reacted the same way.  We dreamed of being princesses, teachers, super hero's, doctors, whatever movie we watched we wanted to play it out in real life.

I found myself as I got older doing the same with models or even other really pretty and popular girls in school.  I wanted to take on the role of their life.  If it meant liking sports I liked sports.  If it meant liking shopping I liked shopping.  If she was into this type of boy I was into a boy similar to him.  I played the role of whoever "she" was.  I created a lifestyle based on acting.

In the process of being,  I am realizing at 31, I don't really know who "me" is.  I look back at my childhood, at my teenage years and even last week and I see patterns I created, to be someone I wasn't.  In certain situations I was tough and in others I loved.  In some I became a girly girl and in others I was annoyed by them.  I have realized, with the Fathers gracious help, I have conformed for most of my life.  I do believe there have been confident moments, but for the most part, I hid that girl and became who I thought I needed to be depending on the moment, situation or friend I was around.

Even as I type this my stomach is in knots.  This is never something we love to acknowledge about ourselves.  We want to hold our heads high and say we are confident in who we are and at 31 I know Who.. I..Am.  He has shown me the reason I have struggled in the realm of identity is because I really have never felt brave enough to see who is behind the mask.  I do believe I know parts of that identity and have even had some call those things out, but after a short period of time I go back into hiding.  I think when we continue to struggle in one particular area its usually because we haven't dealt with the root as to why its a revolving door that we never step out of.  For me Identity has been that struggle of knowing who I am, who He created me to be and not wavering.  You can imagine how difficult it would be for the Lord to tell you to just be, and you quickly realize.... Um... I don't know who that really is.  Oh that LORD... He has such a sense of humor with me sometimes.  So obviously, He would tell me to be, so I will then recognize there is a piece to this puzzle I am missing.

I had a moment a couple weeks ago where this reality hit me.  I was standing in a makeup store while someone was getting the things they needed.  They love makeup.  They love ALL the colors, liners, lip gloss... the whole thing.  I for one have never really been into that.  Not that it is a bad thing by any means, that's just not me.  But as I was standing in that store I found myself wishing and almost whining, "I want this,  I want that, I wish I could buy these eye shadows."  I am literally laughing now.  To hear me say I wish I could buy eye shadow is something I have NEVER said I think in my life.  Very quickly the Father stopped me in that store and said, "Why are you all of a sudden so interested in these things?"  He said, "You have NEVER been really into stuff like this." In that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I conform to who I am around.  WOW!!  Again, not saying those things are bad, but I just have never been the full blown makeup type. What He showed me was the greatest example of me taking on someone else's identity because I am not confident in my own.

Here I am, another layer.  Another tearing away.  It's not easy, in fact, it's one of the most painful times of my life.  I like to call it my "Beautiful Mess."  There is beauty in every part of this process.  I have started on a mission to come out of hiding.  Steffany Gretzinger came out with a song with this identical title.  I challenge you to pull it up and listen to the words.  Let them soak in and pour over you.  You are safe with Him.  He created you fearfully and wonderfully and set you apart.  So through this journey I am challenged with finding "ME".  What I truly like and dislike.  What my strengths are and what I need to work on.  I am challenged to embrace ALL of me and stay out of the revolving door.  I lay that same challenge before you.  Embrace the REAL U!!