When starting this journey the Father said "Share the story." I knew doing this would be challenging at times and really raw. I had to take some time to really be OK with letting you all in on such a personal season. I wasn't sure what sharing the story would look like. I knew it would consist of facing a lot of fears like writing and at some point speaking in front of people even though I have done it before it's a scary thing for me. So I began to face one fear by writing it all down and letting you all in. This next topic is hard but so necessary. It's not a piece of me that is completely healed but we are working on it for sure. I feel that so many of us women are struggling in this area and it's time to let you know you are not alone. So here we go...
Saying "I Do" to the man of my dreams was the most incredible moment in my entire life. I dreamed of marrying him since I was a little girl. I hoped and prayed and wished even begged God to let it be one day. Here we are almost 12 years later and I grow MADLY in love with him every single day. We are not a couple that argues a lot or really even disagrees that much but one area I would say was our weakest spot, the one wedge the enemy had a hold of was sex.
I think as women we were kinda of brainwashed in a sense by movies. We were shown these beautiful sexual experiences and just knew we would have that every day when we get married. We would have dim lights, rose petals and bubble baths every night. We would feel sexy 100% of the time because we have the best bodies just like those girls on TV. We would ALWAYS want it, never have a headache and never be too tired.... and then reality slapped us in the face.
Pre-marriage I went through life trying to fill a void. From a very early age I wanted attention so badly I didn't really care what I needed to do to get it. So without going into too many details I began to give myself away hoping that one day the void would be filled and I would feel accepted. This was obviously a downward spiral as you can imagine. I experienced things in that time in my life I am not so proud of and things that were done to me that I will never forget. When I think back to that girl I hurt for her. I see that she was so incredibly broken and hope was a far reach. As a young girl I thought I will turn my life around one day and never deal with my past again. I remember thinking, it's just my lifestyle now and when I get married it will all go away and we'll live happily ever after having the best sex life ever. I was sadly mistaken.
My past loomed over my head and those images remained in my mind years into our marriage. Those experiences kept me completely locked up from the one I dreamed of having since I was 9 years old. I couldn't understand how any part of that was supposed to feel good because all I felt was guilt and shame. I feared sex. Sex was not a pleasant experience and I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to turn it into sweet intimacy. This act that was supposed to be pure and romantic was distorted and perverted in my mind. I held on so tightly to the damage that young girl experienced and it played like a movie in my head every time we had sex. Every touch I cringed in my mind, I just could not relax and he could obviously tell.
Through out these years my husband stood by me with ease and grace. He was my rock. I specifically recall telling him I would be fine if he went out to find someone else. I felt like this was something I was not going to be able to change and he would be better off else where. I was mad at myself, I was mad at God and I was mad at men. I could not get images out of my mind and fear out of my heart. I refused to believe this was going to be my life and I just needed to get used to it.
Years into our marriage I walked through a weekend of freedom. I was able to understand the meaning of soul ties and see how they played a huge piece to healing my heart and body. I understood that each sexual experience I had before marriage I gave a piece of my heart away and look a piece of their heart and it was time to call my heart back. As I sat on that carpet calling out by name each person, I literally felt a restoration internally taking place. I was able to walk through forgiving myself and asking the Father for forgiveness. I experienced a release of guilt and shame from those past decisions. Years later I walked through forgiveness of some men that mishandled me in situations that I had completely blocked out of my mind. I always knew there was something more but I could never understand what was still keeping me so afraid. I sat one day and asked the Father to please reveal anything else and that day He did. I walked through finding Jesus in the room in those two experiences and receiving healing in releasing that anger and fear.
I would love to say all is well and we are perfect in that area. Let's BE honest... It's still a journey and if I'm not careful the enemy will try to sneak in and remind me of those moments. The difference between then and now is I now know how to fight back. I refuse to believe our sex life would just be mediocre. We are slowly but surely watching the Father heal that area in our marriage. I always think on the verse "He turns all things around for the good." The enemy would love nothing more than David and I to end this marriage or remain with this wedge between us but he is so sadly mistaken. That once broken girl is turned into a healed and whole women by God's grace and Jesus's healing. So I'm hear to tell you, you are not alone. Be honest with where you are. You and your marriage are worth it. If these are feelings you find yourself dealing with just know there is a place of healing. I encourage you to dig deep and find someone you trust to walk with you through that process. I encourage you to talk with your spouse. Just know he is not the enemy and even though it might seem like he doesn't care or doesn't understand, more than likely he just might not know how to help. Remember men are fixers. They want to fix the problem and when we ourselves don't know what the problem is or how to fix it, it can become a very difficult place. The Father did not create this act of intimacy for it not to be used.
Sharing this story is not easy but if it helps one woman realize there is hope it's worth it to me. I have had the privilege of sitting in front of women like me and have been honored to be that ear and that voice. So I challenge you BE honest... someone out there might need the story.
Saying "I Do" to the man of my dreams was the most incredible moment in my entire life. I dreamed of marrying him since I was a little girl. I hoped and prayed and wished even begged God to let it be one day. Here we are almost 12 years later and I grow MADLY in love with him every single day. We are not a couple that argues a lot or really even disagrees that much but one area I would say was our weakest spot, the one wedge the enemy had a hold of was sex.
I think as women we were kinda of brainwashed in a sense by movies. We were shown these beautiful sexual experiences and just knew we would have that every day when we get married. We would have dim lights, rose petals and bubble baths every night. We would feel sexy 100% of the time because we have the best bodies just like those girls on TV. We would ALWAYS want it, never have a headache and never be too tired.... and then reality slapped us in the face.
Pre-marriage I went through life trying to fill a void. From a very early age I wanted attention so badly I didn't really care what I needed to do to get it. So without going into too many details I began to give myself away hoping that one day the void would be filled and I would feel accepted. This was obviously a downward spiral as you can imagine. I experienced things in that time in my life I am not so proud of and things that were done to me that I will never forget. When I think back to that girl I hurt for her. I see that she was so incredibly broken and hope was a far reach. As a young girl I thought I will turn my life around one day and never deal with my past again. I remember thinking, it's just my lifestyle now and when I get married it will all go away and we'll live happily ever after having the best sex life ever. I was sadly mistaken.
My past loomed over my head and those images remained in my mind years into our marriage. Those experiences kept me completely locked up from the one I dreamed of having since I was 9 years old. I couldn't understand how any part of that was supposed to feel good because all I felt was guilt and shame. I feared sex. Sex was not a pleasant experience and I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to turn it into sweet intimacy. This act that was supposed to be pure and romantic was distorted and perverted in my mind. I held on so tightly to the damage that young girl experienced and it played like a movie in my head every time we had sex. Every touch I cringed in my mind, I just could not relax and he could obviously tell.
Through out these years my husband stood by me with ease and grace. He was my rock. I specifically recall telling him I would be fine if he went out to find someone else. I felt like this was something I was not going to be able to change and he would be better off else where. I was mad at myself, I was mad at God and I was mad at men. I could not get images out of my mind and fear out of my heart. I refused to believe this was going to be my life and I just needed to get used to it.
Years into our marriage I walked through a weekend of freedom. I was able to understand the meaning of soul ties and see how they played a huge piece to healing my heart and body. I understood that each sexual experience I had before marriage I gave a piece of my heart away and look a piece of their heart and it was time to call my heart back. As I sat on that carpet calling out by name each person, I literally felt a restoration internally taking place. I was able to walk through forgiving myself and asking the Father for forgiveness. I experienced a release of guilt and shame from those past decisions. Years later I walked through forgiveness of some men that mishandled me in situations that I had completely blocked out of my mind. I always knew there was something more but I could never understand what was still keeping me so afraid. I sat one day and asked the Father to please reveal anything else and that day He did. I walked through finding Jesus in the room in those two experiences and receiving healing in releasing that anger and fear.
I would love to say all is well and we are perfect in that area. Let's BE honest... It's still a journey and if I'm not careful the enemy will try to sneak in and remind me of those moments. The difference between then and now is I now know how to fight back. I refuse to believe our sex life would just be mediocre. We are slowly but surely watching the Father heal that area in our marriage. I always think on the verse "He turns all things around for the good." The enemy would love nothing more than David and I to end this marriage or remain with this wedge between us but he is so sadly mistaken. That once broken girl is turned into a healed and whole women by God's grace and Jesus's healing. So I'm hear to tell you, you are not alone. Be honest with where you are. You and your marriage are worth it. If these are feelings you find yourself dealing with just know there is a place of healing. I encourage you to dig deep and find someone you trust to walk with you through that process. I encourage you to talk with your spouse. Just know he is not the enemy and even though it might seem like he doesn't care or doesn't understand, more than likely he just might not know how to help. Remember men are fixers. They want to fix the problem and when we ourselves don't know what the problem is or how to fix it, it can become a very difficult place. The Father did not create this act of intimacy for it not to be used.
Sharing this story is not easy but if it helps one woman realize there is hope it's worth it to me. I have had the privilege of sitting in front of women like me and have been honored to be that ear and that voice. So I challenge you BE honest... someone out there might need the story.
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